Wow… I feel like this is a long time coming. This post. I’ve spent a lot of time in a sort of dark silence as I’ve been tustling with the whole “what’s next for me?” phase after dropping out of my latest contest prep. You know, this is the part that no one talks about, and the part I think is the most crucial when it comes to physique competitors – and our mindset. So I want to take some time to be completely open and vulnerable about this important phase of my life after competing… How I’m coping, and finding balance in the aftermath.
The Curtain Came Down in November 2015 – And I Haven’t Been The Same Since
I remember vividly my last show as an IFBB pro.
It was at the Ultimate Warriors Championships. On a stage that I’ve always done really well on. But this time was very different.
We were all in the holding room for the pros, getting ready to go on stage, relaxing, doing whatever. As I looked to my left and my right, only one face was familiar. Another IFBB pro whom I’d become friendly with through online circles, and I was very happy to see her.
You see, in Women’s Physique, our first batch of athletes, WE were different. There was an undeniable camaraderie between us all. We were essentially the first ones to shape the division. The chosen few who set forth a new standard.
So many of us came up the ranks together as amateurs. Competing on national level stages year after year. Having our asses handed to us because we didn’t fit the typical “mold’ of the figure division at that time. So we would come back – and try again, and again.
When women’s physique was introduced, it was a like a huge hoorah! Many of us quickly turned pro, and started making our debuts together. Enjoying this new adventure of posing suits, spray tans, and most of all – ROUTINES!
We rooted for each other. We hung out with each other in huge groups after the shows. We brought exchange gifts for each other set up by one of our top women’s physique athletes as a means to keep us all connected. Inviting the new girls into our group, and making them feel welcomed too.
WE wanted physique to be different. We didn’t want the cold cattiness that can be this lonely game of bodybuilding. Make NO mistake, we were all super competitive. I remember having an obsession with beating one of the top girls who was also my “Oddo’s Angels” teammate. I admired her. She ALWAYS won, and I wanted to beat her lol. I came close! Placed 2nd to her, earning a spot at the Olympia.
But playing the game always felt RIGHT. And I was happy to be a part of it. Finally being acknowledge.
By November 2015, that all was changing though… And not in a good way.
I stood backstage, and the silence between the competitors could be cut with a knife. No one was really social, and it just felt weird. Looking at the other girls, another thing was very different…
They were pretty big, pretty hard, and kind of moving away from what the standard of what women’s physique was supposed to be on paper.
I had seen this all season. And it worried me. Because for me, I knew that it would mean more drugs, and pushing my body in a direction I simply was uncomfortable with.
You see, I say to ALL my competitors, the way the division is moving at this moment (figure and physique), being open to “supplementation” is the only way you’re truly going to get to the top. Now, don’t get me wrong, SOME genetic freaks can do it with very little to no drugs.
But to be honest, a GREAT MAJORITY of competitors simply do not have the genetics to be great at this sport. It’s like ANY other sport, and that’s just the truth. Enhancement can only do that. Bolster what you already have.
I do have the genetics for the sport. And to reach the top again, I would have to be open to using certain drugs, and manipulating my hormones far more than I’m comfortable with.
So with that… I decided it was time to throw in the towel.
The Struggle is Real: Life After Competing
For the first time in my life, I am facing what it’s like to live life without a title.
You see, for so long, I had been Roxie the “ fill in the blank “ – dancer, actress, competitor… My identity has always been tied to whatever I was doing and focusing on at that time.
Now, for the first time in my life, I am facing ME. Who I am without a title. Who I am at the core. And it has really tripped me up in ways I can’t even imagine.
I got into the game of training and working out because I loved fitness. I never really used it as a catalyst to find “me”. But now, I’m trying to find my place and balance with this thing without the looming deadlines and judging eyes glancing upon me.
To truly workout because I love it, and enjoy it.
And THAT’S the area that has been so greatly distorted after years of competition prep. Because to be GREAT at this sport, there IS no balance. You HAVE TO be 100% dedicated, focused, and balls to the wall to get to the top. Whether you are an amateur or a pro.
So really I don’t KNOW what it is to train simply because I love it. Or because it improves my health. I only have adjusted to training for the stage, and conditioned myself to focus on that pinpointed goal. And now, I’m retraining my brain to see fitness in a whole new way.
A balanced way…
A way that I can sustain for the rest of my life.
What’s Next for Me…
Good question. And that’s what I want to explore – and invite you to come along with me on this journey. This new page. Because for me, to share this is probably one of the most important things I can do as a coach, former competitor, and just as a woman evolving.
As I said, this isn’t something that is often talked about.
Most times when the curtain comes down for competitors, they fade into the blackness, never to be paid attention to again. Even with our top pros. We never know really what their next moves are. Until now, or at least until me.
So I invite you along on this journey as it unfolds, and hopefully will help some of you out there struggling to find your own way after your show.
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