Building Your Self-Esteem – 5 Steps to a More Confident You

Everything we do, and everything we are is rooted in how we project ourselves in this tiny world we live in.

We come into this world as a fresh blank slate. Feeling our way through our environment. Tactile. In motion. Unaware of the thoughts of others, particularly their thoughts about us.

Yet, here we are… As grown adults.

Many of us scarred and beat down from the voices of others who we’ve allowed to shape our reality to a degree. Sometimes, it gets to a point where you don’t even recognize the woman staring back…

She stands before you a shell of what she once was…

That tactile, active, expressive, and fully aware child, who beat to her own drum, before the orchestra of life had gotten too loud.

What is Self-Esteem?

/ˈˌself əˈstēm/
confidence in one’s own worth or abilities; self-respect.

As you can see above, self-confidence is confidence in one’s own worth or abilities. Even further, it’s defined as self-respect.

I don’t know about you, but reading that definition really has me thinking, why don’t they teach THIS stuff in school. Imagine how much better off many of us would be.

Let me share my story, and get a little personal, because I know what it feels like to have low self-esteem… And exactly what I did to turn that around.

The Glass Menagerie

I can remember the first time I became completely self-aware as a child. Aware of my body and how inadequate I was, as pointed out innocently by my cousin.

I think I was around maybe 10 or 11. Maybe I was 9. Somewhere around that age. But my cousin and I were just coming out of a bath, and she pointed out to me that my thighs were not thin enough because I didn’t have a thigh gap. And she did…

Mind you, this occurred between 1989 and 1991, before the word thigh gap was even a thing. But that doesn’t matter, the inadequacy was seared into my brain. And would later fuel years of eating disorders. Binging, purging, anorexia, and more.

The Bodybuilding Years

At some point during college, I was able to conquer those demons. I fell in love with fitness. Ironically, I used fitness to abuse my body during my eating disordered years. Yet, I came to terms with how it can heal in many ways.

By my 30s, I fell into bodybuilding in a very serious way. A dream for so many years, I took to the stage and excelled. 2010 to 2015 was a whirlwind.

I started as a skinny amateur figure competitor, and finished my stage career as an accomplish IFBB Pro and Olympia competitor.

But what happened to me during 2015 to 2017 was something I never saw coming.

Lost and Alone – Without an Identity

You know, it’s funny how we can go through life thinking we know who we are at the core – but the truth is… We don’t REALLY know ourselves at all.

Let me explain…

In 2015, I decided to stop competing. I was really unhappy with the direction of the Women’s Physique division, and knew I didn’t want to put on the amount of muscle the judges were awarding.

It wasn’t necessarily because I was truly ready to stop. I was kind of forced to because I didn’t want to play the game anymore.

In an instant, I lost part of my identity. A title. Roxie the competitor.

Way before this, I quit my professional dance career. I also quit acting and modeling as well. So, gone was Roxie the actress and dancer.

I had no titles. No identity. And honestly didn’t know who I was.

Lost Image, No Self-Worth, and Masculine Energy Take Over

I’ve always been a girlie girl growing up.

I loved my Barbies. Absolutely loved ballet. And, I loved dresses and dressing up.

When I got seriously into bodybuilding, oh boy! I turned into this hyper-masculine energy gym rat who loves going “BEAST” in the gym, and looking like a superhero.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that. But… That intensity 24/7 really changed me.

When I was into the bodybuilding world, it was all good and dandy. I mean, everyone is like that. EVERYONE. And it’s even revered by other women in the sport.

But when you go outside of that world, you realize how out of balance you really are.

And that reality hit me like a ton of bricks.

  • I looked in the mirror and I didn’t even recognize myself anymore.
  • Didn’t know who I was!
  • Felt aimless at life. Lost. Alone.
  • I couldn’t even attract the kind of men I liked because none of them were from the bodybuilding world, so they like most men, simply didn’t find women who are attractive.
  • Stopped wearing make up, didn’t really do much with my hair. Always ran around in gym clothes. And always had this resting bitch face on that intimidated EVERYONE around me.

One day, I looked in the mirror and said, “Duuuuude, who TF ARE you?”

I was depressed. I was uncomfortable in my own skin. And even further, I was ready for change.

So… I started on that journey change right away.

5 Steps to Building Your Self-Esteem

Once I came to the realization that what needed to be fixed came from the inside out, I was ready to take the steps to change me. To love me. And to start to live my life on my terms – FINALLY – in my late 30s.

So I want to share with you what’s helped me tremendously to grow, and become the woman I am today.

One who stands confidently in her own skin.

A woman who owns and loves her body.

Moreover, one who firmly believes that the world is her oyster to create the life she loves. On her terms, and hers alone.

Step 1: Get Honest With Yourself

I think that this is one of the most important lessons.

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Taking a step back to hold a mirror up to who you are and what you’ve become.

So many of us spend our time running AWAY from our truth. It’s too painful to face. But it’s not until you’ve gone through the fire, and allow yourself to be reborn, that you can triumph.

And that rebirth starts with looking at your flaws, and what’s bothering you the most.

One of the first things I did for myself in this arena was look at the things about myself that were making me unhappy. And in essence, the things I wanted to change.

Take a moment to sit quietly and write those things out for yourself. Make a list and be honest about what you want to change, what NEEDS to genuinely change to evolve to a better you.

This list can be as long as you want it to be. You don’t have to tackle it all at once. You can take a few things on that list and begin to make them a non-factor as you triumph over each one.

Now that you have that list, it’s time to get to work and fix yourself from inside out.

Step 2: Do The Work and Invest In Yourself

Having a list is just a start. Putting in action what needs to change, and making those actions new habits in your daily life is crucial.

One of the things for me was that I was really with how I was presenting myself to the world.

The work I did was rooted in exploring my personal style, and what makes me feel confident in myself as a woman.

I also knew that I wanted to really get in touch with my feminine energy because a major shift in balance was needed for me.

The Role Feminine Energy Played in My Transformation

I spent literally HOURS consuming content on YouTube about feminine energy. Took notes and started to put in action the things that would help me to soften me on many levels.

Shifted my mind around what femininity means to me, defined it in my own terms, and put that in action in my life.

In that time, I discovered that I am a woman who loves vintage classic beauty. I began studying women of the past like Marilyn Monroe, Dorothy Dandridge, and started to define my own sense of beauty through that inspiration.

Next, I began investing in my wardrobe. Letting go of old clothing, actually spending money on quality clothes, and allowing my personal style to shine through.

In my romantic life, deciding to actually work with a coach (I have 3 I’m currently considering) whose teachings resonate with me, and knowing I have even more to learn as I embark on the goals I’ve set in my personal life.

None of this stuff was cheap, but I decided I was worth it.

And in that one thought – I AM WORTHY – I’ve been able to come out of my shell and step into the woman I’m meant to be.

Step 3: Create Self-Care Rituals

When you decide to create a major transformation in your life, it takes MASSIVE ACTION to make those changes stick over the long term.

And even further, it takes indoctrinating new rituals and habits that correspond with the life you wish to lead. You can’t have a desire to be healthy, but you eat fast food every day…

So the key to creating massive change is rooted in the tiny daily rituals and habits that you establish to support the lifestyle that you are creating.

These daily rituals can be anything.

Going back to my own goal of creating more balance with my feminine energy, that means getting up everyday and making sure to take the time to do my hair and put on a little makeup before heading out.

Even if I’m not going anywhere!

I could sit at home and work all day long, but I still make time for ME, to beautify myself for ME simply because it makes me feel good. I feel put together, and love how that feels.

Another thing that helps me so much is meditating, and taking a moment to get in touch with my inner thoughts and desires. It’s calmed me. Given me focus and clarity. And is the key for me to manifest the life I want on an even greater degree.

Your rituals can be whatever you want.

The most important thing is that whatever you set in place should enrich you, and make you feel whole and grounded. But most importantly, allows you to establish the habits you need to authentically become the best version of yourself – as you see it in your mind and in your heart.

Step 4: Journal Your Experience

I’ve always been a writer.

Writing is extremely cathartic to me. And it’s stood as a means to help me to flesh out my life in so many ways.

I’ve always kept a diary as a child. And later, it became a journal as an adult. But, I literally journal everything. My life, my training, my business. Each with their own notebook.

What Impact Journaling Can Have For You…

Journaling can help you to really tap deeply into parts of yourself that you may not even realize is there. And even more, help you flesh out the mind taffy that has held you back. Once you release that mess, the sky is the limit.

In fact, journaling has become a MAJOR component in my VIP online coaching and mentorship program.

Clients unlock 4 week journal prompt intensives specifically designed to help them to go deep within their self-exploration journey.

And the results have been amazing! Seeing how much they Transform into these beautiful and amazingly confident women. Knowing exactly who they are, what drives them, why their goals matter, and exactly why they MUST accomplish them.

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So I encourage you to put pen to paper and start making journaling a crucial component to building your self-confidence, and exploring personal growth.

Step 5: Keep Fitness at the Forefront

It goes to say that how you feel on the inside reflects on the outside. And how the outside looks, also DOES impact how you feel inside.

Taking care of your body IS a crucial part of the self care equation.

You don’t have to want to look like a supermodel or want to step on a stage to look your best. That best is defined on YOUR terms. No one else’s.

One of the things I had to let go of was trying to look like someone I was in the past.

The thought of, “Oh, if only I could be as thin as I was then,” or when looking at old pictures, “Man I would like to get back to that body.”

But knowing good and well a few things were at play… 1. I was about 10 years younger with a body hormonally different than now. 2. I may or may not have been maintaining that body in the best of ways.

I had to let go of that stuff and create new insights and rituals around my fitness that were congruent with where I am NOW.

So for you, I’d say to let go of what you once were or that ideal of a past version of you. And instead, create a new version from scratch.

Stop focusing on getting “back” to something and instead shift to BECOMING something new, better, smarter, and evolved.

Change your eating habits and your training in a way to match what you imagine your future self would do daily to maintain her level of fabulous.

Not only does this create less pressure on you to live up to an imaginary standard, but it allows you to truly become who you are and to enjoy that journey along the way.

But the major part of this journey to a more confident you IS rooted in how you feel about your body. Not only in how it looks, but how it feels to LIVE in that body, to breathe in that body, to move in that body.

Making your health and fitness as a priority is a powerful tool. And I encourage you to embrace it.

Not as a means to simply lose weight or put on muscle, but instead, as a means to love you… And to put that love into practice through action.



Free Masterclass: The Fitness Industry Has LIED to You!

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